By BlondePete, used with permission.
This is a page of a few tips and do's & don'ts for beginners - experienced
BDSM guys will of course know all this (and the bits I've intentionally left
out ;-). Everything is not necessarily the "Right" way to do it, but it
works for me. Some things on this page aren't strictly true, but you'll find
that out for yourself and, unfortunately, some things have to be learnt the
hard way. Once you know what you're doing you won't need rules.
Sorry if this spoils the spontaneity and excitement but there's plenty of
time for that when you know what you're doing and you're with someone you
play with regularly.
When you start being a Top it's like being a learner car driver, you have to
think of every action before you do it and it all seems hard work, when you
are an experienced driver/Top most of what you do happens automatically and
you can really enjoy the experience.
You'll miss a lot of fun if you limit yourself too much as regards types of
guys you will play with, don't judge by looks and age or you'll miss out on
a lot. And although I'm biased, often guys who switch make some of the best
subs, don't be frightened - they won't turn you over unless you beg nicely
;-)
There are probably less than a dozen really great tops in the UK, you can
get very good at the technique with practice and become a very good Top -
but a great Top thinks in a way you can't learn and has a natural confidence
that can't be faked, guys with the confidence, the technical skill and the
understanding of the sub's mind are very rare indeed.
Don't forget that we are always learning, you never know it all !
General tips are:-
SAFETY - Always think what could possibly go wrong and be prepared
for it. Have an action plan for emergencies, aim to be able to release
someone in <30secs - 1min max.
Remember they could be unconscious or panicking, and do learn artificial
respiration properly, if the worst happens you have <5 min to get them out
and get them breathing!
In any event if you're dangerous word will very quickly get round.
Anything that comes into contact with body fluids or blood needs to be
sterilised after use or disposed of. Metal can be sterilised by boiling for
30 mins, or put in a hot oven for an hour. Most non disposable rubber &
plastic can be sterilised with baby feeding bottle tablets.
EMPATHY - Keep close to your sub, try to know all the time what he's
feeling and what condition he's in, listen to his breathing, read his body
language.
This is invaluable not just for safety reasons but ideally you should be
able to make the sub feel what you want him to when you want. If he hasn't
enjoyed the scene he probably won't come back again. Remember that unless
you're paying for the privilege (offers by E-Mail considered! ;-) the guy
isn't there to give you a good time, he's there to get off on it himself,
although if he's any good he'll make sure you have a good time too. There
are lots of subs about, but rather fewer really good ones, especially dogs
and slaves.
Empathy is very important when Fisting, if you approach it thinking about
putting your hand in a hole you will do serious damage sooner of later.
COMPETENCE - Have a good idea of what you're going to do and how
you're going to do it, experimentation is fun but work it through before
hand.
It doesn't make a very good scene and makes you look fool if you're fumbling
round looking for something for ages or get someone in a position you've no
idea how to get them out of.
A scene should appear to flow effortlessly and slickly, you should always
look as if you know exactly what you're doing and there should be no
evidence of the hours of preparation, construction and planning that's gone
on ;-)
Even if it is the first time you've done it, make it look like the
hundredth. Of course it's very nice to have a regular sub who likes
experimentation and who won't mind too much if it all goes pear shaped, so
you can get some practice in before hand .
Unless you know the sub very well do try and make an effort - appearing at
the door in Farrah slacks and a cardigan just won't do! For sub/dom scenes
image is important.
INFORMATION - Get as much information about a new sub as possible,
find out what he likes and dislikes, what his fantasies are, what his limits
are, what he wants to try and his measurements!
Limits are there to be expanded but not ignored, and remember there's a big
difference between fantasy and reality, a lot of guys have fantasies that
they wouldn't enjoy having played out for real.
Let the sub know what you expect of him too, you might think yours is the
"right" way things are done - but every Top is different, the subs last Top
might have expected things done totally differently.
KNOWLEDGE - I'm going to make a few enemies here, but I don't think
you can be a good Top unless you've been a bottom first. How do you know how
something feels and how far you can go if you haven't experienced it
yourself? You learn more from being tied up badly once than you learn from
doing it badly a hundred times.
If you've no interest in being sub see if you can find another friendly Top
who's good at the scene you're interested in, then he can let you experience
it in a relaxed way with a running commentary if appropriate, or at the very
least let you watch while he does it to someone else and talk you through it
afterwards.
If your ego can stand it, you can learn a lot from subs too - some of them
are very good at technique. A very good sub might even manipulate the whole
scene without you knowing he's doing it, but you will learn a lot *grin*
Bondage
Obviously with bondage it's very important to take into account everything
that could go wrong, remember guys have passed out or vomited - I've done
both, so be especially careful it there's any restraint around the neck or
hoods/gags used. Never leave a bottom alone if there's any risk!
If a guy does pass out will you be able to release him? Remember he will be
a dead weight hanging in the restraint, some buckles and clips will be
impossible to release
The other golden rule is to check the extremities often to make sure the
blood supply hasn't been cut off for too long, pay particular attention to
hands, feet, arms and balls - if they're very cold or purple/blue it's PAST
time you released them. Don't forget bits you can't see too, hands in
bondage mitts have the circulation cut off as much or more than with cuffs.
Any discomfort should be intentional and under your control, don't let it
happen by accident. Pay particular attention to any straps that might be
cutting in, pressure on the forehead, nose and temples is very
uncomfortable, arms can go to sleep quickly if above the head or if the
upper arm is tightly constrained. If you're doing mummification always put a
thick soft pad between the ankles and make sure the arms and hands aren't
bound too tightly.
It is almost impossible to undo ropes or tight buckles when your hands are
covered in lube, having to use your teeth does nothing for your image! Keep
a few small towels handy, if you need to undo something quickly you don't
want to be hunting for something to wipe your hands on - anyway towels come
in for wiping a lot of sticky things *grin*
A lot of bondage subs like to be left in bondage for quite long periods
without any input from the Top, don't feel you have to be doing things to
them all the time - good chance for a ciggy break anyway
As with most BDSM scenes timing often makes all the difference to the
success of a scene, as long as the sub is turned on he won't notice
discomfort and will probably enjoy some pain, but if you keep a scene going
even 15mins too long it often just becomes irritating - Remember to keep
reading your sub. It's better to finish too soon than too late, if he leaves
wanting more he'll come back, if you went too far he might not.
Really tight bondage can be great for 20-30 mins but can rapidly become very
painful if left for longer - take the intended time into account when doing
up hoods, or any kind of bondage.
A lot of the excitement in a bondage scene is feeling that you're tied
tightly, and totally at the mercy of the Top, so restraints have to be nice
and tight without being so tight that they quickly become uncomfortable.
Fisting
Fisting can be one of the most satisfying, emotional and horny things you
can do with a guy, normally I keep BDSM out of fisting, but some guys do
like bondage etc with it. However you do it fisting should be done sensually
and almost with love.
When you're fisting always remember that it's a person you're doing it to,
not a hole. I always concentrate on my hand, what it's doing and what the
guys arse is doing, not on the outside of the guy, the important stuff is
all happening inside, physically and mentally. Don't only think about what
you're doing to an arse, think about what it's doing back to you.
Feel how the guys muscles are responding and if he tightens up temporarily
slow down until he loosens again - Fisting is done with someone, not to
them! When you get good at fisting you can feel exactly what the guy is
feeling, the sense of being with someone totally can be wonderful.
In most circumstances all movements should be smooth and gentle, don't jerk
or force anything although considerable pressure might be needed initially
to get your fist in, jerking will often make the muscles tighten and cause
problems. When a guy is open and relaxed you can start to put more effort
in, but always feel what is happening, he can tighten at any time.
Most guys need quite a bit of initial warming up to relax their arse,
playing with toys can help a lot.
A good tip is to find the way out of the arse (entrance to the colon) before
you get your fist in and play with it to relax it - it's sometimes not easy
to find or get into once your fist is in the arse. Be very gentle with the
colon, it has 4 delicate muscle rings, which get progressively smaller, in
it's length which need stretching and relaxing carefully.
If you're pushing a guys limits depth wise and have had to slowly work your
way up the colon, round all the possible twists and turns remember to work
your hand out equally carefully, if you pull out quickly you could do a lot
of damage.
No two guys arses and especially colons are the same and the difference is
quite large both in size and layout, you have to discover how each new guy
you fist is arranged inside, don't assume that what works for one guy will
work with another.
Pain
Make sure any pain and discomfort you inflict is intentional and under your
control, it shouldn't happen by accident. A good Top can inflict more pain
without causing damage, than a bad one can with damage. If anything still
shows after a few days (except possibly old bruising), you aren't doing it
right.
For any sub to take really heavy pain you have to work up over a period of
time, done right it's surprising how much most guys can actually take.
Whipping & Flogging
Whipping is not CP - CP is a ghastly British invention that's a pale
imitation of the real thing, I get no pleasure being hit clumsily with a
paddle or riding crop while being told to "count the strokes"
As with general pain the main tip for whipping is to work up slowly, once
the endorphin levels have built up and a sub is getting off on the scene you
can build the force up to surprisingly high levels.
Try to avoid hitting the same spot repeatedly, move the target area with
each stroke and remember areas that have already had a lot of work are much
more sensitive.
The trick is to judge the force of the blows so that the sub can just take
it, then back off slightly before working up to higher levels, in this way
there is almost no limit to what someone can take. Also try to make the
strokes predictable both in location and force, they are much easier to get
into if they don't come as a surprise.
Personal note here - if you're hitting the arse for god sake don't miss and
hit the balls by mistake!!
If you are using a paddle you must hit flat and avoid tilting the paddle or
hitting with the end as these cause bad bruising. paddles are good on the
arse but not much use anywhere else.
The area above the waist to the sides where the kidneys are MUST be treated
as a NO GO AREA. It's possible to hit the kidneys and not cause a great deal
of pain (for some guys it will cause excruciating agony). The danger is that
bruised kidneys can stop functioning and the guy can end up in hospital in a
very serious condition. Avoid striking near the spine as well.
Never use heavy implements for striking blows, items such as rubber night
sticks etc can cause severe internal damage without leaving any marks on the
surface of the skin, and often without causing a lot of pain.
Areas you can work on quite hard are, in order of heaviness:- Arse,
Shoulders, Thighs, Chest - all other areas must be treated with caution.
Piercings
Piercings can be great fun to play with and and make marvelous places to
attach things to, but it is easy to put too much strain on a piercing and
tear it out of the skin or tear a tit off altogether! So never attach anyone
by a piercing if there's a chance they can fall or put too much weight on
it.
Piercings that aren't completely healed should be avoided altogether, they
can easily become infected, can tear easily and are very sensitive.
Avoid hitting areas over the piercings, especially PA, this can produce
bruises very easily.
Never put clamps over piercings (e.g. tits) the pressure is concentrated on
the small ring area and causes damage rapidly - put clamps to one side of
piercings.
If you're taking someone out to a club or party it's a good idea not to
attach anything to piercings, some idiot is bound to tug on it hard and
could rip it out. The same applies to anything that someone could damage.
Breath Control
This is that big black area that frightens a lot of guys, but it can be
very, very exciting if done properly, I'm not going to give tips about BC
here because I think it's something you really need to learn from an expert.
If you don't know all about it don't experiment!
But for guys who do know all about it, just one tip - TIMING. A guy doesn't
need or even notice that he can't really breathe just before he cums, but
you have to know the sub to get it just right.
Don't forget BC can be a really frightening experience, but it's something
that goes very wrong if a guy panics, so heavy BC is not often something you
can do at the first meeting, it needs the sub to totally trust the Top -
that takes time.
If you are already experienced at breath control and like my equipment, I've
got a set of plans that I'm willing to send to the right guys.
CBT
Lot's of guys really get off on having their cock/balls tied up tightly, but
tightly bound balls get very painful and very sensitive after a period,
check them regularly. After a long session just touching the balls can be
agony, fine it you're doing it intentionally, but bear it in mind if you
aren't.
Be very careful if you are attaching the balls to something immoveable, if
the sub slips or falls very serious injury can occur, either use weights or
an attachment that will come off before serious damage occurs.
The cock can take a surprising amount of punishment and still feel amazing
as long as you work up slowly, as with most things the timing is crucial,
it's very easy to go over the top.
Try gently rubbing just the head of the cock with a well lubed hand, this
can have guys begging you to make them cum - a lot of fun!
TT
If you're into tit play in a big way yourself you'll already know what
works, if you aren't then the best way is to start off lightly and as the
sub gets more turned on increase the pressure, he will be able to take much
more just before he cums than when you start, again read the sub and you'll
get it right.
Bear in mind that tits that have had rough treatment in the previous day or
so are much more sensitive than normal. Heavy work on very sore tits can be
a big turn off!
Tits get very sensitive after being worked on hard, bear it in mind - If the
tit's aren't fully recovered after 2 days though you're doing it wrong!
Some tit clamps can pierce the skin, if you use these remember to sterilise
them after use, just in case.
For guys into it, tit work can be more of a turn on than having their cock
worked on - learn how to work tits well and you'll have a lot of fans
(Of course if you damage their tits badly you might never see them again)
Long Scenes
Long Scenes, ranging from over night to over a week, have all the same
challenges as normal length scenes plus a few unique problems.
Timing is even more critical with a long scene and usually some breaks are
needed, if you keep the scene too intense for too long the sub can go over
the top and lose interest.
It can de really exciting to sleep in some form of bondage, but make sure
the position is comfortable (not hands behind the back) and that nothing is
too tight, something that is exciting for an hour can become difficult to
bear after several hours and it doesn't take much to interfere with sleep.
Cramp and circulation problems happen easily with long scenes.
Rubber has it's own problems in long scenes, a body totally covered in
rubber has very little heat regulation ability, rubber is a very poor
insulator but does prevent the normal cooling mechanism of sweating. After
several hours it is likely someone in full rubber will be either freezing or
getting heat stroke/de-hydration, for a long full rubber scene ambient
temperature control is vital.
Electro
Electro play is a lot of fun, but there are a couple of things to remember:-
Never apply any electro across the chest, it can interfere with the heart.
It's probably better to avoid using electro above the waist at all.
Be careful around piercings, the contact area of a piercing is very small
and you can easily cause burning inside the piercing.
Don't expect me to get everything I've mentioned right all the time, being a
good Top isn't easy and I've still got a lot to learn.
Visitors since 18th May 2009
